What is the most pressing question of modern life – even more urgent than “How will I fare under the impending New World Order that runs 1) China, 2) Russia, 3) Simon Cowell?” It is this: just how cynical should the average adult be? On the one hand, cynicism is an unsustainable philosophical pose. Its triumph will get us nowhere because it negates the very point of being alive – which is, when it comes down to it, wandering around, looking at stuff and going “Wow!” But then, on the other hand, no one wishes to be the patsy rube-faced fool-boy on his first day at a new job, being sent to the Shop of Life by sniggering co-workers to “buy tartan paint”.
And so, on the horns of this dilemma, to Kerry Katona – a celebrity whose career could be described as “troubled blonde with bipolar disorder leads the kind of life where starring in an MTV reality series called Kerry Katona: Crazy in Love, featuring posters of her in a straitjacket, is one of the better moments”. Unusually for Katona, the past few months have been low-key. Since she appeared on This Morning in October slurring her words, Katona has largely kept out of the press. Having held on to her advertising contract with Iceland, and with four children under the age of 7 to raise, Katona seemed to have settled down and started a new, productive life.
However, this week she screeched back on to the front pages with the news that she was splitting from her husband, Mark Croft, claiming that he “bled me dry”. However, after a mere 48 hours of unanimous tabloid message boards being filled with readers shouting: “Well done Kerry you kckd him 2 tha kerb good on ya hun, Posted by SelfHelpBookAddict123”, Katona ricocheted back to Croft, with another slew of headlines accompanying their reconciliation.
So, where is the dilemma about cynicism? Well, perhaps CW is, after all, more battle-weary than it thought but it does seem a little…coincidental that in the week Jade Goody’s life ebbs away, Britain’s No2 Reality TV Star suddenly comes back into the public eye. Now CW isn’t suggesting that Katona planned the implosion of her marriage. Not consciously. But, in the way that an athlete has an innate instinct for timing a late surge, perhaps the great reality stars of our time are the ones who have an inherent aptitude for finding new chaos in their lives, at just the right time.
Down. Bob Dylan
Celebrity gossip doesn’t always need to be about the boulevard of broken dreams, you know. Sometimes it can be as simple and innocent as Bob Dylan having a faulty toilet. Yes , a portable toilet in the grounds of Bob’s Malibu mansion has caused complaints from his neighbours, who claim that the smell “is a scandal”. Attention all shipping! Immediate pun down! The Freeweeing Bob Dylan. Most Likely Poo Go Your Way (And I’ll Go Mine). Stuck Inside Of [a] Mobile [toilet] With The Memphis Poos Again, and, finally, Blowin’ in the Wind[ow of next door's house].Down. Paul DanielsDaniels seems to be affected by some Full Moon of Attention-Seeking Behaviour. After his “wearing a balaclava on the beach” publicity stunt, followed by his “Me and Debbie McGee re-creating the Posh and Becks underwear advert” publicity stunt, Daniels has now blogged his thoughts about the UK’s judiciary. His conclusion is that “cutting off the testicles” of criminals compares very favourably to the cost of locking them away. “In the Middle East they cut off a hand,” Daniels notes. “I’ll drink to that.”
Sadly, of course, if Daniels did raise a glass of wine to that, in some parts of the Middle East he could have his hand cut off, too. Oh! Life can be so confusing! Down. Octomum
Nadya Suleman, the woman who gave birth to octuplets in January, is proving controversial again – this time with news that the birth video might soon be made available on the internet. Now CW doesn’t wish to do down the miracle of birth. It really does not. Each and every one of us is a miracle. We are stardust. We are golden. (Or, in the case of former Food and Drink presenter Jilly Goolden, goolden.) But CW has had a Caesarean section and is aware that they’re not terribly visual. Can CW be frank for a moment? An octuplet Caesarean delivery will look very much like a woman rummaging in her handbag for her front door keys, and having to pull out eight babies before she finds them.
Up. Fabrizio Politi
Do you remember Fabrizio Politi, the millionaire playboy “fashion yacht” designer, and erstwhile fiancé of Geri Halliwell? Do you remember how much CW loved him – how he had us at “Between me and luxury, there has always been an intense love story”? We cannot let another week go by without updating you as to Politi’s movements. On the one side, there is sadness – his engagement to Halliwell has proved very short-lived. However, any worries that Politi might fade from the International Playboy Fashion Yacht Design Scene have been swiftly swept aside with a fabulous SEVEN-PAGE solo feature in this week’s Hello! CW hasn’t been so relieved since it saw Bruce Willis blow up that killer asteroid in Armageddon.
In this joy-giving spread, Politi gives it his best Dex Dexter impersonation next to his private plane, poses with some shoes from what is surely an extensive collection of pointy brogues and, most thrillingly, tells us about his love style. “I like to give flowers. I have been known to send up to 100 white roses to my lady…which she’ll find where she least expects.” Oh, Fabrizio! CW likes to imagine that over the next few weeks, Halliwell will be discovering her most “unexpected” – and now mouldering – bouquets under one of her small yappy dogs and behind the vacuum cleaner in the cupboard under the stairs.
Down. Liam Gallagher
One of the thrills of rock’n'roll is never quite knowing what it is your heroes really want to be. When Oasis first came around, Liam Gallagher seemed to indicate that he wanted to be a blue-eyed John Lennon, capable of “’avin’ it” 24 hours a day; roll with it, an extra 50p. But looking at him now, it’s clear that, all along, what he was really aiming towards was playing Bill Sykes in an amateur production of Oliver! Or being an angry village butcher in a Hardy adaptation.
Down. Keith Richards
This week, the Rolling Stone has been subject to an odd case of existential literalism. “In Hamburg,” he revealed, “I slipped on a hamburger.” Oddly, he seems not to find this absolutely mind-blowing. Perhaps it is small fry to someone who once didn’t notice that he was on fire because he had taken so many drugs. Personally, CW will be reeling about the Hamburg/hamburger coincidence until 2012.
It also came to light this week that, when the teenage son of fellow Stone Ronnie Wood started to rebel, Richards suggested that he “put him on a boat for a year”. CW doesn’t know if Keith knows this, but pirate boats don’t call at Cornish ports, kidnapping young cabin boys any more. Unless Richards has a sideline.
Down. Prince Harry
If the tabloids are to be believed – and Celebrity Watch is under no illusions that this is such a large “if” that you would have to take apart and then re-weld the Angel of the North, just to make the “F” – Harry is “courting” one Astrid Harbord, who lives in CHELSEA. Given that Harry’s previous girlfriend was called CHELSY, does this raise the weird possibility that he actually knows only one word, and simply barks it at his driver when he leaves Mahiki at 4am?
Up. Gary Neville
The footballer and, more importantly, son of a man called Neville Neville – which is even better than being a son of a preacher man – has firmly removed his name from any transfer lists. He has done this, uniquely, by the medium of hedging. Proving his commitment to Manchester United is deep-rooted, Neville singular has planted a gigantic hedge spelling out MUFC at the gates of his mansion, which is visible on Google Earth. Let’s hope he never gets dropped – it would be awful to watch a distraught man, in full United kit, scything at 458 feet of topiary while screaming “NooOOOOOooo!”
Down. Katie Price
In the midst of being roundly ignored by the United States on a four-week promotional trip, Price still finds time to turn in her regular agony column for Britain’s OK! magazine – reassuring a troubled country that the woman who described her husband’s genitals as “cockalicious” is still watching over us all. This week a mother of seven said that she was desperate to lose weight: “Do you have any suggestions?” Price did, of course: “I’ll send you a copy of my workout DVD!” Because busy mums know the importance of multitasking, ie, helping others and promoting your spin-off range of merchandise and tie-ins at the same time.
