Does any Apprentice fan honestly care that Yasmina Siadatan beat Kate Walsh to become Sir Grumpy’s latest charge? Last night’s final was overshadowed by the dreadful news that Margaret Mountford was leaving the show as one of Sir Alan Sugar’s “eyes and ears”. She is working, apparently, on a PhD in papyrology. “I would like to concentrate on finishing this before I need a Zimmer frame to get on the platform to receive it,” she said.
What? No more frowns, eye-rolling, eyebrows shooting skyward and withering glances? The Apprentice is only bearable because of Margaret, and Nick Hewer, and their caustic shepherding of the contestants. Can PhDs in papyrology be fast-tracked?
Given the circumstances of Sir Alan’s appointment as Gordon Brown’s “business czar”, there was added irony to the words of doom he starts each episode with: “This is a job interview from hell” — quite similar to Cabinet reshuffle, then.
We are reminded every week that Sir Alan is “Britain’s most belligerent boss”. Really? What about Sir Alan’s new boss? “Famously hard to please,” the narrator says of Sir Alan. But as hard to please as Gordon?
The final, much like this series, was brisk, efficient and quite boring. The final task was to create an original box of chocolates. Both contestants produced perfectly good chocolates. Kate’s were “for him, for her, to share”, Yasmina’s were cheap. Philip Taylor, an ex-contestant, tried to help with the dancing in Yasmina’s presentation, on the basis of his famous “Pants Man” shuffle earlier in the series, but the final was generally no fun.
When Sir Alan said that Yasmina and Kate were the best candidates he had ever had in the final boardroom, he meant the most competent, and therefore for us the least entertaining. Their skill and prowess showed that The Apprentice could be about good business practice. Bor-ring. I got a stack of ironing done as they rustled up a brilliant product instead of back-stabbing, bitching and buck-passing.
Kate’s chocolates were overpriced and went from being named Intimate (rejected as slightly too reminiscent of feminine hygiene) to Choc d’Amour. Yasmina’s Cocoa Electrics made her male model feel sick. Sir Alan wasn’t sure why Yasmina wanted to be an apprentice when she ran a business herself but, ultimately and rightly, he chose her as the winner on “gut instinct”.
Maybe it was Kate’s monotone revelation that she had a “ten-year career plan” (I bet it’s colour-coded too) but there was something sparkier and more intriguing about Yasmina and so her victory was pleasing.
The final wasn’t glorious and dramatic; even for fans, the predictable tropes of the show (the same old tasks, the same old grizzling from Beardy) feel tired. The Apprentice needs an overhaul, perhaps even a new “czar”.
Yasmina said that Sir Alan wouldn’t regret his decision, she’d be his “best apprentice ever”. (Think big, honey, tomorrow you may well be Chancellor.) But none of this is important. Sir Alan can wait to show Yasmina to her desk. He can put off growling at the CBI in his new troubleshooter role. The “Save Margaret” campaign begins here: we cannot lose La Mountford, and her glorious rolling eyes, to papyrology.
