The mysterious circumstances of the collision combined with the punning potential of golf have provided plenty of material for internet wits to work with.
Here are five of the funniest Woods gags posted online so far. You can suggest your own favourites in the comment box below:
Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one.
What’s the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.
Tiger Woods wasn’t seriously injured in the crash, but he’s still below par.
What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning? They went clubbing
Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn’t decide between a wood and an iron.
Hell Hath No Fury – Like A Viking Scorned
Was Tiger perhaps trying to take flight
when he jumped into his car in the middle of the night?
How else to explain his behaviour manic
as he stepped on the gas in a state of panic.
Did he think he was hitting the tee
when he bashed his car into a tree?
Was he trying to practice a putting shot
when he walloped an immovable water spigot?
We have to imagine he was hurrying to avoid being berated
by someone who was a little bit irritated
Had he perhaps done something he should not
and in his peccadillo had just been caught?
.
If he had bothered to study some Scandinavian history
Elin’s behaviour should have been no mystery
for Vikings tend to react quite strongly
when they think they have been treated wrongly.
We have many examples of what happens when their ire
can lead to consequences best described as dire.
So he should be careful when next temped to push her over the edge
or she might come after him wielding his very best wedge.
At least we know now what to give a bride
when about a gift for her shower we must decide.
If we cannot find a nice silver dish for butter
we can always present a weighted putter.
Stop me if you heard this one before:
Though a valiant effort, the Tiger Woods incident took second place. Winner of the “Hey, They’re Just Like Us But With a Lot More Money!” tournament was the video of drunk, shirtless David Hasselhoff trying to eat a cheeseburger whilst sitting on the floor.
So much for Tiger Woods’ laser eye surgery. Results lasted for only a couple years. Now he can’t see fire hydrants, trees — or what would tick off ANY wife the most.
The moral of the Tiger Woods incident for wayward married men:
NEVER try to run over an angry wife. They’re just too damn fast. Straight line or slalom, an angry wife can out run and out turn any cheetah. And if you do try and end up missing — twice — that REALLY gets their adrenalin pumping.
Tiger Woods to Morpheus:
“So you’re saying I can dodge bullets? How about fire hydrants, trees, AND an angry wife?”
Tiger Woods’ next endorsement commercial, post-divorce: High-risk auto insurance — take one:
“If they can insure ME, (point at yourself) they can insure YOU! (point at camera then duck)” Thump!
Tiger Woods’ next endorsement commercial, post-divorce: High-risk auto insurance — take two:
“If they can insure ME, (point at yourself — DO IT DON’T SAY IT!) they can insure YOU (point at camera then duck — DO IT DON’T SAY IT!)” Thump!
Off-camera director: “Oh bloody hell, someone fetch an icebag. Serenity, serenity, serenity is mine. Right. Now Tiger, first you point at yourself, like this. Then you point at the camera, like that. The duck part at the end? That’s so the Elin look-a-like model standing behind you swings the rubber 9-iron OVER your head.”
A sign you’ve got WAY too much money: Not only does your home arcade pinball machine consist of your driveway, an Escalade, fire hydrant, tree, and angry wife swinging a golf club, you think you’ll never end up becoming the ball.
Tiger Woods did hit the fire hydrant. And yes, he did hit the tree. But he did pull together to then miss the little windmill.
What do you give Tiger Woods for his next wedding anniversary? Nothing. Won’t be a next.
Tiger Woods now has the Shark circling around him. Not Greg Norman. Gloria Allred.
Tiger Woods’ biggest mistake that night: Pulling into the driveway after seeing all his clothes and clubs — minus one — on the front lawn.
Tiger Woods-inspired way to beat a motor-vehicle offence whilst out and about, as narrated by John Cleese:
“After seeing flashing lights in rear-view mirror, come to a complete stop and roll window down. Take pre-printed note from shirt pocket, and stick to chest just below chin. Cock head back, close eyes, and keep very still in the driver’s seat. Relax face but clench jaw. Inhale through nose, and exhale through clenched teeth so lips flap just a tad on the exhale. Then when the officer comes up to the car he’ll see and read the note: “Could you come back later? He’s sleeping now.”
Arnold ‘the original sports jet jockey’ Palmer’s take on the Tiger Woods incident:
“Don’t let him get a pilot’s license.”
Charlie Sheen’s take on the Tiger Woods incident:
“Hey, as a celebrity husband I look PRETTY-DARN-GOOD now, huh? No Escalade, no fire hydrants, no trees — just ME! Well okay, just me… a couple hookers… several tins of olive oil… maybe a hand-cranked generator with alligator clips on the leads… and a life-like life-size rubber doll I personally refer to as Greta, my fantastic-thermoplastic hot chick. But you get my point, right?”
All in poor taste but good fun. Best wishes to the Woods family.
What’s the difference between how Tiger uses a golf club and how his wife uses a golf club.
Tiger uses clubs to hit golf balls while his wife uses clubs to hit cars.
Listen to what Us Weekly says is Tiger Woods’ voicemail message to a woman asking her to block her caller ID to stop their relationship being revealed.