Plenty of folks were left reeling from yesterday’s announcement that the current ninth season of American Idol will be Simon Cowell’s last. Heck, even I made the sound of a skittish Pomeranian getting caught underfoot before steeling myself for an inevitable blogging frenzy. But as Carly Smithson so aptly reminded us during season 7: “Show must go on!” And since Fox has already announced plans to air a Cowell-free Idol in 2011, the obvious question becomes: Who should replace him?
Before we address some possibilities, a humble request to the suits at Fox, 19, and Fremantle who’ll be hunkering down to make this decision: Please, put the kibosh on replacing Simon with a “cranky British type” (i.e. Piers Morgan). Because, really, what better way to remind us of the absence of the show’s most popular judge than to offer up a similar-yet-inferior substitute? It’d be like swapping in New Coke for Coke Classic. Or Dennis Farina for Jerry Orbach. Idol needs a new panelist who possesses Simon’s casual but brutal honesty, his succinctness, and his occasional sense of wonder over a brilliant performance — but with a distinctively different style. And while it’s impossible to predict who’ll be able to deliver the goods live on camera for a massive TV audience — perhaps the most important and most difficult aspect of Simon’s job — I’d like to suggest five folks who might want to drop their resumes off at Idol HQ:
Linda Perry: The megaproducer (and former 4 Non Blondes frontwoman) is reportedly a perfectionist in the studio and has helped powerhouse vocalists like Pink, Christina Aguilera, and Adam Lambert reach impressive artistic heights. Knowledge of what it takes to make a hit record combined with live performance experience could make her an interesting, offbeat choice. And wouldn’t it be refreshing to see a woman in the role of judges’ panel tough-guy?
Pharrell Williams: Like Perry, Williams (as one half of the Neptunes) has written and produced an impressive collection of chart-toppers (for Beyonce, Gwen Stefani, Jay-Z, and Justin Timberlake), and he, too, has plenty of on-stage experience thanks to his stint in N*E*R*D. So in other words, he’s more current than Randy, hipper than Simon, and less infuriating than that table-banging monster. Talk about a win-win-win!
Quentin Tarantino: He was pretty terrific guest-judging “Movie Soundtrack Night” during season 3, and if Seacrest can do a morning radio show, E! News, red-carpet coverage, and produce that stank Kardashian show while hosting Idol, surely Tarantino can juggle a little movie directing with his new critiquing duties, no?
Ben Folds: My colleague Ken Tucker already made the Folds-as-Idol-panelist case after his gig on NBC’s The Sing-Off (while PopWatch tastemaker Wendy Mitchell wanted to give the guy his own show!). Plus, several of you gave Folds a shout-out in the comments section of my “Idol will be okay!” blog item yesterday. But as someone who was out of the country for much of the show’s run, I have to ask: Is Folds acerbic enough to do the job properly?
Piers Morgan: Can’t. Do not want.
Madonna: Okay, so she has a sort-of British accent, but let’s not DQ her from the gig just yet. Think about it: Her Madgesty is cantankerous and outspoken, completely comfortable with a massive audience, and as the former head of Maverick Records, has a good idea of what it takes to launch a major-label artist (like Alanis Morissette, for example). Plus, you just know she’d kill for a venue to keep her pop-cultural relevancy well into her 60s. I’m kind of loving this prospect, and if it happens, I’d like to be rewarded with a five-figure salary and a producer credit from Simon Fuller.
