MUCH has been said about how men and women are from different planets — they just don’t speak the same language or think the same way.
How far true is this?
Last year, Durex’s Sexual Wellbeing survey revealed that 49 per cent of Malaysian men feel they don’t know enough about the “emotional” aspects of relationships, while only two per cent of Malaysian women felt the same way.
“Intimacy” apparently means different things to a man and woman. The perception is that men who are attuned to their emotional side are not “real men”.
Durex Malaysia general manager Voong King Yee says Malaysian men are generally not that open when it comes to expressing their emotions.
“This might be due to our upbringing where men have been programmed from young to think that expressing oneself is not a manly thing to do.”
HELP University College psychology lecturer and licensed marriage and family therapist associate Charis Wong Yen Wai says men have been conditioned to shut down their emotions.
Men learn that the way to connect is to be physical and sexual. It’s what society has trained our men to be.
“Typically, Asian men are only comfortable touching someone while in bed or playing football. If he is not having sex, he doesn’t really get touched in his everyday life.”
Wong says for women, an emotionally connected conversation builds intimacy.
“It is very natural for women to touch and hug.”
She says Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs may provide insight into this.
The hierarchy is represented in the shape of a pyramid, with the largest and lowest levels of needs at the bottom, and the need for self-actualisation at the top, which includes the need to bond emotionally with our partners.
The bottom layer consists of water, sex, breathing, food and excretion. The topmost layer consists of morality, creativity, problem solving, lack of prejudice, acceptance of facts and spontaneity.
“The cavemen days may have been predominantly based on the bottom of the pyramid, which deals with the basic means for survival.
“For men, the cavemen theory could have been heavily represented by the act of sex in order to obtain an heir to carry on the family name,” she says.
As humans progressed, they moved up the pyramid.
“Thousands of years later, women are financially independent. We don’t need a man to meet our lower needs of the hierarchy. We can turn our attention to spirituality, faith and having a close intimate partner.
“This means that men have to meet our needs for emotional connection — food and shelter will not suffice,” Wong says.
She says while men and women may speak different “love languages”, it all comes down to the basic fundamental human need of wanting to be loved.
“We are wired to be loved and cherished. Men may have learnt to seek emotional intimacy through sex, and women find it through talking.
“But, at the end of the day, both genders want to have intimacy — to find a safe basis to belong.”
University Malaya Medical Centre clinical psychologist Subash Kumar says some men, however, still prescribe to the cavemen theory, “and maybe some women, too”.
“The other problem seems to be that ego gets in the way. Some might feel that it’s not macho to say, ‘I love you’.
“Many people also have different expectations after watching movies.
“Others are just too concerned about making money and forget about their relationships until it’s too late.
“Some might feel that intimacy equals sex and nothing else.”
Sounds bleak. Can these differences between men and women be reconciled? Apparently, yes. Subash says there has been progress.
“It seems that more people are aware of their partner’s needs, especially emotional needs these days. It is good to see that in younger couples.”
Sadly though, there is still a lot of room for improvement.
“I think the major difficulty is the amount of time couples spend with each other. Some relationships start out good but eventually fizzle out over time. It is important that couples remember to maintain the relationship and continue to work on it.
“You need to compromise in any relationship. Someone just has to give in sometimes, or it is not going to work.
“Ultimately, it’s better to look at the bigger picture,” says Subash.
Wong says adult love and intimacy is not very different from the attachment between caregiver and child.
“Only in the 1990s did researchers realise that the emotional bond between partners is very similar to that of a parent and child. The same is seen in mammals,” says Wong.
“In a relationship, each partner needs the other for nurturing, soothing and protecting . When a couple is intimate, they know that the other will be there for them and vice versa.
“Knowing they can turn to each other for support enables them to be vulnerable without the fear of being rejected, creating a safe haven.”
The problem arises, she says, when men and women are not tuned in to each other’s emotional needs. They don’t read the love language of their partner.”
